I have fantasized about what it would be like to have a different wife. Now before you think I’m reading something risqué and suggestive again like the Songs of Solomon (I am), I should inform the reader that my fantasy is almost completely of a platonic rather than lecherous nature.
I am now after thirty-odd years of wedded bliss coming out of the closet….in a heterosexual sort of way….to inform the reader that the girl who sometimes enters my dreams is from Kent in jolly old England and speaks therefore the Queen’s Oxford English rather than the squawking gibberish that passes for language in the middle and north of that unruly country.
I dream about waking up, preparing a glorious hot pot of tea, and waiting for my cultured love-crumpet to join me on the patio as I enjoy the morning.
Listen as Lady Ethel joins me…for a non-erotic tryst…read in the accent of Liz and Phil.
She enters: “Good morning James my sweet stalking Tiger of the night, what a glorious morn!”
“Good morning Ethel, my tasty little dumpling, sleep well”?
“Marvelously well my inspiration and light, and you”?
“Well I must say my darling pumpkin, it was a little nippy last night but as I snuggled gingerly behind your delightful posterior, I warmed immediately if not sooner, to fall ever so slowly into the deep sleep of the innocent and just. Care for a little Orange Pekoe my sweetness”?
“Oh you spoil me you rascal you, look at the splendid table you’ve set, fresh flowers, yummy fruit, buttered scones….yes pour to your dear hearts content, while I settle my little bottom into the cushioned chair beside you my darling Jimmy”.
“Look on the fence dearest Ethel, I see old Cock Robin has found a mate…would you listen to that joyous singing”
“Oh pooh, there they go Lord James, we’ve frightened them off with our nosy prying into their little “birdie affairs”…..come back old Cock and playmate come back!” Ethel cries. “My word James they are flying perilously close for comfort don’t you think”?
“Good lord Ethel the old boy has valiantly climbed her like a Sherpa mounting Everest, what a capital idea! I suppose we’re in for a few more robins at casa Hagarty my sweet little sugar-plum.”
Noticing more of nature’s bounty Ethel exclaims. “Look in back under the garden hedge sweetness, little Bucky the squirrel is burying his nuts in the thicket and here comes the missus to join him.
James she’s certainly a more than agreeable partner to help him horde his nuts and all. Oh dear what’s happening now Lord Jim,? They’re tossing, tumbling and rolling around like Romanian gymnasts!”
At that moment we both shout and giggle in unison, “Sweet Prince of Wales, more little Buckies frolicking soon at Castle Hagarty”!
“You don’t think old girl that we should join in mother natures outdoor love –fest ourselves do you? Should I don my devilish valet costume to add a little spice to the performance my sweet niblet?”
Now Jimmy, don’t be naughty, you’ve been so good up ‘til now, don’t spoil the moment, besides you know I value that big Mensa brain of yours more than anything else you could ever possess.”
Lord Jim and Lady Ethel continue to enjoy the sights sounds and smells of nature on the deck…..Lord James stares off aimlessly, content to be more than alive and vibrant in ‘almost’ every part of his body.
“I say isn’t life grand my peach my pie”?