Hey Hags, we have a whole bunch of new dog lovers here to hate your canine cooking ways!
Once again, after this column ran in The Times there was a flurry of letters from dog lovers who took it seriously, and wanted to string poor Hags up from the nearest yardarm. This seems like a good time to bring it back up.
Who trails his best friend with a plastic bag and cleans up after him when he poops?….dog lovers!
People love dogs; I don’t. Papers encourage letters from dopey people lauding their dense dogs…TV has an all dog channel for those who can’t get enough of these smelly beasts…and “Talk” shows regularly implore their guests to chat about the virtues of their dim witted canines.
Do “dog people” lack human or semi-human friends thereby necessitating the need for a lop-eared companion?
My friend Bob is a little lop-eared and sometimes pants before supper but that still doesn’t make him my pet dog…..he is much superior in most ways to any dog.
He is a better friend than any old dog….he buys me breakfast at Wimpey’s…let’s me listen to his asinine theories about gas prices…..and never rats me out if I diss my wife (unless he’s drinking) and most importantly never humps my leg except on my birthday.
Oh and most of my friends (except ball players) leave their privates alone in public displaying a sense of savoir faire and class that mutts will never have.
And what’s up with these videos of dog owners sleeping with their mouths open… and then the family doggie proceeds to treat master’s mouth like an amusement park by thrusting its tongue into his gaping pie-hole…just get a motel!
Dogs are the ultimate barnacles in life; they are just along for the ride, especially while in cars. They whimper, act cute and do inane tricks for sorry owners so they can earn more pats on the head…much like husbands trying to get out of their own personal dog houses I suppose.
I’d respect dogs if they lived off the land in the Outback like the mighty Dingo dog. They live a fierce life in the wild on their own terms and never worry about getting approval from love-starved humans.
They bravely ravage chickens, turkeys and Telemarketers by the serene billabongs…then rest ’neath the shady Koolaba tree waiting for their billies’ to boil in order to tenderize their stolen babies.
Yes they’ve been accused of stealing the odd baby to play with but they are still resourceful and not entirely without charm which cannot be said about citified dogs.
Moving along, I like Dingoes and possibly Wombats but not Ding-bats…unless one is lucky enough to marry one. They are easy to trick and therefore utterly desirable. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting we should terminate dogs in a brutal Doggie-cide but at least we should be allowed to sell them for medical experiments or shoot them for sport.
Or we should consider deep frying them in the summertime to help decrease the surplus puppy population…they probably taste like Chicken Kiev.
Lastly, dogs are at best the worlds foremost “second bananas”, you know like what Ed was to Johnny Carson…the guy who laughs his ass off at every lame joke…the guy that defends the boss no matter what stupid thing he does and the feckless twit who’d gladly take a bullet for his master.
Damn, that’s kind of appealing, forget my dopey-doggie theory, I gotta get me a stupid mutt to love…and if it doesn’t work out I’ll simply put Ol’Yeller on the barbie…mmmh Shis-ka-dog!