What’s up with Hand cream? It seems that every time I travel to the mall that I am besieged by pushy young men and women desperate to have me try their lubricious wares….but why?
Why do I need to have my hands all soft, moist and gooey?…giving me perhaps a slippery hand shake or caress, when I have real problems.
For example, my knees are shot. My right knee sometimes swells up as if I’d just praised or offended it…while my left one drops out of alignment if I’m flirty enough to effeminately cross my gorgeous legs. And by the way, my legs really are gorgeous.
While my pal Andre suffers from burly legs like a mighty Clydesdale, I possess legs that are well toned and sleek, like a studly racehorse. Where was I? Oh yeah, my knees are near shot and how the hell will lotion help?
Next, I’ve a new spot on my cheek and Dr. Upe has always told me to see him if I were to get a new growth on my puss. Well I’ve had the dastardly growth for about two years and have done nothing about it. With my luck it’s possibly wildly malignant; of course I think all skin spots are the worst case scenario until I have the sense to have them analyzed.
Should I just dig it out myself? Would Draino or Windex help?
I mean it wouldn’t be the first time I have resorted to home surgery before going to see Upe… who will vengefully kill my wretched disfigurement with his magical potions. Regardless, if the hand cream will take away that spot on my cheek before it reaches the size of a basketball, I’ll dip my whole head in it!
Now, if the hand lotion cures either baldness or impotence I’m also interested. After all, most bald men if honest would sacrifice their first born or even vacation sex for verdant hair….Ok, ok, maybe not the vacation sex, you’re right on that one.
In truth, I’m only semi-bald. From the front I have a sparse yet sometimes illusive wisp of hair that I could plait into a shocking curly-cue if I wanted….though from behind, my hair is mainly scalp and shaped likeNiagara’s famous horseshoe.
But if I had a flowing mane like Brad Pitt or Troy Polamalu I’d be extra nice and even rescue and nurture all the homeless cats and dogs in town and not kill hardly any of them!
Last, will moisturizers re-attach the pulley back onto my sex drive? (since I can’t use Viagara).
Well I better not say too much about that, because I go to church now and also have a wife who’ll kill me …or worse if I talk about you know what.
But again, if hand cream will stop my frightened turtle from ‘turtling,’ then I’ll take enough to last me a lifetime, even if I expire tomorrow.
In closing, (as ministers say), when moisturizers can fix any of my ‘real’ problems then feel free to thrust it in my face as I pass ye hustlers of miracle ointments and balms. But until they soothe wonky knees and resurrect dead parrots (impotence)…then pulleeze leave me alone!