Not Fit to be Canadian

I can’t believe the people of Cambridge, New Brunswick.  They can’t even call themselves Canadian, considering the whole world knows there is only one Cambridge in Canada; that’s Cambridge in the province of Ontario.

This is what our city hall tells us, and it must be the truth since the government never lies to us.

“These people on the east coast dare call their town the same as ours, so we’ll have to make sure nobody ever hears from them again;  that is why I’ve spent $35,000 of the people’s funds to promote our Cambridge as the only real Cambridge in Canada,”  Cambridge ON Mayor Karl Price said today, as city hall showcased the city’s newest corporate logo; a logo that leaves no doubt what Ontarians think of the Bluenosers who have, for years, been an insult to the name Cambridge since the New Brunswick town’s inception in 1966.

Touted as the only Real Canadian Town called Cambridge, residents of the 135,000-member Ontario city unanimously agreed to undergo a smear campaign designed to lay the groundwork for extermination of one of New Brunswick’s founding villages;  a settlement inside Queen’s County that has existed since 1785.

“They’re slime, all of them.  Can’t even call themselves Canadian anymore.  We’re the only Cambridge around these parts, and nobody’s going to take our limelight, anymore.    Just like Kitchener stealing our very own Oktoberfest festival before we were even FOUNDED?  Now, we have to promote that like it wasn’t even our idea to begin with in the first place, it makes us look like we have no originality in this city.  I mean, just because we have a $100,000 piece of granite art in front of our city hall that wasn’t even made from a local artist, that doesn’t mean anything.”

Price went on to rant  explain about the other examples of persecution when he refers to the treatment the Region of Waterloo has invoked on it’s  ’poor country cousin’ as Cambridge is referred to.  ”It’s a good thing all my constituents stand behind this measurement of punishment we have to inflict on those sorry-asses in New Brunswick, but they deserve it.  ”

Price goes on to mention, “I’m glad there wasn’t any push back like the time we sold our water department and all it’s billings to YoCo Paving;  those guys can fix the roads and pay for the pipes under it while they go, talk about a great cost savings for the taxpayers!!!”

Mr. Price was not available for further comments, as he was late to arrive for his ongoing head trauma therapy, which he has undertaken since his prized trotting horse crushed the right hemisphere of his skull at the local Flamboro Raceway.  The government release did not confirm whether or not the city’s Flying Monkey Ninja Strike Force has reached their destination and begun the systematic elimination of all Cambridge NB residents, also outlined in today’s corporate logo announcement.