Anniversaries can be interesting but as guys know, after the first one, they’re all the same.
We thank our wives in a restaurant where a snobbish server bearing a smooth towel but a prickly attitude hovers about for a generous tip; our wives thank us later.
Anyway, my Brenda and her best friend Pearl decided to take their miseries (Bob and me) away for our hundredth anniversary.
Sadly, they didn’t take us to the tractor pull in Ayr or tea-time at the local “nudie bar;” they took us to Niagara-On-the Lake.
I don’t know why Viagara Falls was ignored because it has the proper vices that Bob and I crave, namely the three B’s…beer, Black-Jack and bimbos.
Anyway, the trip down was uneventful ’til we exited a fruit stand, when one of us was inwardly bubbling and gurgling.
I looked at the nameless culprit (me) in the mirror and saw a helpless look that was a mix of angst and strained constipation…assessed the problem as gastro-intestinal, tore of across the parking lot to a nearby Tim’s before time expired on a problem that exceeded benign flatulence.
As I trotted to Tim’s to flush away life’s cares, the girls and Bob went to Picards’ Peanuts (next door) for the free lunch.
I rejoined the group and Bob asked if I was successful. I told him that it was the hardest I worked since I’ve been out of work and I failed completely except for the noise.
We grazed amongst the bounteous tasty samples, testing new and exotic flavours…chewing our nuts and licking our fingers and commiserating with other amiable trailer park people in pastoral bliss.
We were shortly escorted off premises and continued downtown where the girls admired exotic candles, wine dyed clothes, hemp garments to wear not smoke and other useless feminine crafts made of everything from pewter to pop-sickle sticks.
Bob and I sat on store-front benches, examining herds of haughty men with patches on tweed jackets accompanied by women with frightening grey hair wearing fabrics that once adorned sofas.
We took a moment to be thankful that our hirsute wives have gone yellow, brown and purple but thankfully never grey.
Asians laughingly photographed Bob and me who were seated with our newly purchased frozen treasures and were sloppily and lovingly licking Ben and Jerry.
Men dressed like us in “Hillbilly chic” nodded as they passed, admiring our prolific cones as we wiped Rocky Road from our mouths, nose and shoes.
We wiled away the crisp afternoon doing nothing but tailing our wives tails as they feigned interest in stuff they didn’t want.
We looked for a sinful shop to see if we could get our wives matching billiard ball restraining muzzles as anniversary gifts but alas, this little burg is not quite up to the trends of chic downtown Hespeler.
Later Bob and I tried to locate a “wife training” book but apparently none exists.
Anyway, we should have trained them when they were young and still loved us but it’s way too late now.
Shortly after six, we four huddled together and clunked heads while organizing a tete-a-tete. While rubbing bruised noggins we decided to eat early, thinking we’d beat the theatre crowd who took over the little town with humble pomposity yet arrogant grace.
Call Bob and me lucky, since the girls selected an Irish pub over the town’s frisky French cuisine.
Awaiting our first pint, we talked about mutual friends who have become interested in “swinging”. We don’t think they’ve done anything risqué yet but they did tell us they were going to the “taffy pull” at Rockton’s Fair next week…hmmm.
Anyway, we ordered tasty pub-grub, laughed, snorted, drank and toasted our enduring friendship….Bob and I then serenaded the girls with the old favourite “ I’ll take you home again Kathleen in my wheel barrow…since you’ve gained a ton or two”
The girls cautioned us to refrain from singing or talking for that matter.
Ah, the Irish Pub, home of the poet, the revolutionary and the skank….life is grand when you’re with the ones you love.
The waitress asked the girls if they wanted dessert; they declined…..Bob and I cast a knowing glance, the girls were holding off dessert ‘til later….a double portion of Bob-ka for Pearl and a generous slice of Jimmy-Cake for Brenda.
Payment is due.